A Vision For You

“But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moment of the past. There was an insistent yearing to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt – and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects to King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chillin vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did- then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!”
[Chapter 11 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous]

I remember having my little buddy driving me around town in his beat up Chrysler. We’d drive all morning long and sometimes throughout the day – me giving every bit of what energy I had left just to sit, smoke and look at the sun, wondering why – why could I not see it’s light, feel it’s warmth. My world and everything illuminated a blackens that was suffocating.
I did not shower for days at a time. I couldn’t walk out to the edge of the parking lot to get my son off the bus. I had to call my little buddy to come get him off the bus daily and walk him in the house for me.
I was weak, small, frail, not only in body, but in spirit. All I could see was the heavy darkness settling around me, pushing me down, smothering my light. I was spiritually dying. I was but an empty shell walking the earth.
All I could see was me like a candle, and blackness all around me taking away my oxygen, my light growing small and dim.