Well that just makes a lot of sense.

I really thought there was something wrong with me. I even told my family that I could feel chemical changes taking place in my body. I felt a rage that I hadn't felt in such a very long long time. I considered the possibility of Postpartum Depression. I don't believe in depression drugs, but with the way I was feeling, I was about to take anything.
Then... today... I got my first period since I had my baby.
And I am at one with the world again.

Simple yet nasty PMS. I better watch that. Don't want to relapse over a damn period. Or go to jail for domestic violence.
heh - I can be ugly w/o the drugs and alcohol.

Time for Tools

Did I mention I just had a baby?
Yes, I'm 4 months postpartum, but I don't ever like to use "Life Happening" as an excuse to be a bitch. I know better, there are tools to use to clear the negative energy, yet somehow I've failed to use them this last month.
Sponsor? - Nope
Steps? - Nope
Big Book? - Nope
A meeting?? - Nope
Nothing
Just resting on my laurels.
And it's not working out so well for me. Not the last week anyway.
Okay, I need to HALT.

Am I hungry? - STARVING, I'm nursing and finding I have a ravenous appetite. I am eating more than ever and losing weight (can't complain about that).

Angry? - Oh total High Gear Bitch Mode!

Lonely? - Not sure, could be. My husband has more a life than I do. I certainly don't want to complain because I love my baby and LOVE being with him. Whether my husband is there or not, whether the chores are done or not, I just want to be with my baby.
But I really like it when my husband is there too, when he helps me with the little things. (Which he is really good at by the way, I ask, he does)

Tired? - heh, understatement. I'm a new mom, remember? 4 month old baby? Living sometimes on 3 hours sleep, usually only 5, and not because of him (Unless he's sick which this season both my kids, my husband and myself have had our turns being sick) but because I'm exclusively feeding my baby breast milk so I'm often up to pump when baby is sleeping. Baby definitely gets more sleep every night than I do. Everyone does - which leads to many previous HALT issues.

I just got done pumping and need to go get in the shower and get ready for work. More on this later.

The Holidays

It's the holiday season again. My tenth Christmas sober.
It's definitely gotten easier than my first year sober.
I thought my first Christmas was going to be so wonderful, I was clean and happy, I loved life (finally) and I was going to have a magical Christmas.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got around my family, I was triggered beyond anything like I'd experienced in my 9 months of recovery. I couldn't stand to be around my family. I was overwhelmed and scared of myself.
I left my moms house, went to a meeting, laid on the couch in the meeting and just bawled my eyes out.

Second year sober I braced myself for the worst. I has my emergency evacuation route set and planned only staying at my moms for maybe an hour, then spend the rest of the evening at a meeting.
I went to moms house, the evening happened peacefully and the next thing I knew I was driving home from my moms, dark, late, peaceful.
I didn't even realize I didn't use my escape route, I didn't need it.
I can finally hang out with my family and not want to use.
I'm so thankful I didn't give up just because it was hard.