And she still works in my life, even when I forget too.

Did I tell you that my God is a mom?
Well she's my mom (not my earthly mom), because the god of my understanding before sobriety was as mean as the meanest boy in school, meaner actually. But my sweet mom.god came in, spanked his little butt and sent him off to his room because he was picking on me so bad.
And she has never forgotten me since, even when I forget to remember her.

I got a call from a friend the other day who's son is in treatment. She asked if I'd be his sponsor. I told her I don't believe in a couple things when it comes to sponsoring and finding a sponsor.
1- I don't believe anybody should ask someone to be your sponsor but you.
2- I don't believe women should sponsor men or men should sponsor women
So I told her that I would be happy to get another (male) member of AA and all of us take him to a meeting when he gets out.

She then called me again asking if I'd just go to a treatment center meeting. I have accepted and looks like I'll be going next week.
See how my mom.god works in my life?

I have only been to 2 meetings since my baby was born. It's hard to want to leave him for a bunch of irritating alcoholics that's I've heard their stories over and over and over and over and over again year after year after year after year (catch my monotony?). Yeah, I thought I'd be "miss AA" at 9+ years sober, yet I find myself irritated if I listen to B or C shair in a meeting one more freaking time!
And I hate it more that I know that the reason I feel that way is because I need more meetings! (Not because meetings don't work for me - but because I need them)

So, in all this thinking (by myself, scary, guess I should call my sponsor, as soon as I get one)
I am going to commit myself to at least one meeting a week. I know it's not much or probably enough, but considering I've been hitting one every 2 months, one a week will be a great start.
Maybe I'll even share in the meeting.
New comers just know more than I do so I feel I have nothing to share.
Really - they do! It's all pink and fresh in their head, they are pounding the big book and excited with sobriety - I just love them and drink up their words as if I were a newcomer myself listening to an old timer. Just makes me sad that when the pink cloud starts to crash, many don't make it.
So I guess that one thing I do have over a newcomer is, through thick and thin, good days and bad days, boyfriends, my almost husband, kids, babies, jobs, friends, PMS, and holidays, through my humility and my ego. I know how to stay sober 3,572 days, so maybe I do have something to offer.

My 10th Sober New Years.

10 years ago on December 31, 1999, I relapsed on Crystal Meth.
It was my last relapse, my last "drunk". It was my grand finally.

Many people think "Why? did you have a really bad hangover the next day?"
heh- if only it were that easy, simple, predictable.

That night when I decided to use again [thinking I had quit before, yeah with repercussions, but I'll just quit again], I crossed that line, the line talked about in the big book.
The drug took away my ability to choose whether or not to use, I became a "real" addict.
I wanted to get sober after that night, I tried to get sober after that night, but I couldn't.
I spend days and days at dark houses, never sleeping, talking about how "tomorrow we'll quit", but tomorrow never came and I stayed high.
2 months and 28 days of trying to get sober, I lost my son, I lost my job, I was losing everything, I couldn't NOT use any longer. I panicked at the thought of driving somewhere because I wouldn't be able to use "as much" as when at a stable ground.
I experienced darkness that such few do, I came to a jumping off place, I couldn't imagine my life with meth or with out meth, I had wished for the end... [and the story goes on...]


And here I sit, 10 New Year's Day's later, and not once in the last 10 New Year's Days have I ever woke up [or any day for that matter] and regretted not using the night before. I have never said "boy I sure wished I would have used last night, this morning just sucks so bad w/o a hangover".

Happy New Year everyone out there who is sober, who wants to be sober, and who'd rather just stay fucked up.