I am your disease

~ I Am Your Disease~

I hate Meetings
I hate Higher Power
I hate anyone who has a program
To all who come in contact with me, I wish you suffering & I wish you death.

Allow me to introduce my self,
I am the disease of addiction,
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful, That’s Me.
I have killed millions & I am pleased.
I love to catch you in the element of surprise.
I love pretending I am your friend & lover.
I have given you comfort, Have I not?
Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die – didn’t you call me?

I was there
I love to make you hurt,
I love to make you cry,
Better yet,
I love when I make you so numb, you can neither hurt nor cry.
You can’t feel anything at all.
This is true glory.
I give you instant gratification & all I ask of you is long-term-suffering
I’ve been there for you always.
When things were going right in your life, You invited me in.
You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you.
Together we were able to destroy all things good in our life.

People don't take me seriously,
They take strokes seriously, they take heart attacks seriously, even diabetes, they take seriously…. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help, these things would not be possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited, You choose to have me,
So many have chosen me over Reality & Peace

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a Twelve Step Program
Your program,
Your meetings,
Your Higher Power all weakens me & I cannot function in the matter I am accustom to.

Now I must lie here quietly,
You don't see me, But I’m growing bigger than ever.

When you only exist-
I may live.
When You Live
I only exist..
But I am here,
And until we meet again –
If we meet again
I wish you suffering & Death

A moment of Clairity (March, 2000)

and I thought to myself "What if.... just what if, I gave up Everything. Quit the meth, quit the Cocaine, quit the pot, quit drinking, quit smoking, quit the Lortab, Oxycontin, quit the Nyquil, quit the Xanix, quit the Prozac, quit the Trazodone, Quit all the things that I feel I NEED and can't live with out.
What if I just quit it all. What will happen to me?
What if....



I get better".





And for the first time, I had hope.

A Vision For You

“But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moment of the past. There was an insistent yearing to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt – and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects to King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chillin vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did- then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!”
[Chapter 11 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous]

I remember having my little buddy driving me around town in his beat up Chrysler. We’d drive all morning long and sometimes throughout the day – me giving every bit of what energy I had left just to sit, smoke and look at the sun, wondering why – why could I not see it’s light, feel it’s warmth. My world and everything illuminated a blackens that was suffocating.
I did not shower for days at a time. I couldn’t walk out to the edge of the parking lot to get my son off the bus. I had to call my little buddy to come get him off the bus daily and walk him in the house for me.
I was weak, small, frail, not only in body, but in spirit. All I could see was the heavy darkness settling around me, pushing me down, smothering my light. I was spiritually dying. I was but an empty shell walking the earth.
All I could see was me like a candle, and blackness all around me taking away my oxygen, my light growing small and dim.

10 Years, and I'm still sober.

Have you ever heard that song by Kelly Clarkson "3 Months - and I'm still sober".
I fucking LOVE that song!



And I'll tell you, three months is a hell of a lot longer and a bigger deal than 10 years.

But, it has been 10 years for me. And I'm still sober.

So why do I feel so stupid claiming 10 years?
I know (or I think I know).
It's because I see all these AA Nazi in the program. The big headed men (no, literally they have BIG ginormous heads) that come bobbling into a meeting - AGAIN that speak for a good 10 to 15 - AGAIN, enlightening us with their knowledge and wisdom - AGAIN (gag!), telling all the new comers "How it Works".
Actually, they do have good stuff to say, but the impression they can leave when you've been to too many of the same meeting, well, lets just say it's healthy go "get out of the house" and go to a different meeting once in a while. Change things up.

I'm just not one to claim I know what the hell I'm doing. I know I'm doing something right, but what that is, I still don't know. It is truly by the grace of God, and the choices I made, what ever they are, that I managed to put this time together.
And sometimes I think it's because I listen more than I talk that I got here today.
Because the people I see talk too much are the ones who go back out (less the big heads).

For the record, I know I'm not alone saying I get sick of the people in my home group. I'm just glad I can say I'm sick of the people in my home group.

Because when I say that I hate the people in my home group, it means that I have one, and that I go to meetings, and I go to enough meetings to get sick of everyone there.

Hence - sober 10 years later.

Sometimes the higher road sucks!

How do you make and amends to someone for them being an asshole?
"Sorry your such a dick!"

This is going to be rough.
But my sobriety depends on it.
And not just saying "I'm sorry your so delusional that you think your right in a situation where you are so dead wrong that even the rats know so, and you think I'm an asshole, which at times is correct, but not this time!"
But my sobriety desperately depends on me not constantly mind fucking myself on someone else's behavior. To come to peace with our differences - and to quit daydreaming of all the nasty things I want to say to put them in their place, and to feel love and compassion instead.

I hate co-dependant people

There is ALWAYS a price tag on their acts of love. A very ugly price tag.
Fucking Martyrs!

I love co-dependant people

Sometimes the most co-dependant people can really help out when your in a rough spot.
While I don't have it in me to do what they do, I sometimes find myself admiring their ability to achieve the unachievable (or the most undesirable).

And she still works in my life, even when I forget too.

Did I tell you that my God is a mom?
Well she's my mom (not my earthly mom), because the god of my understanding before sobriety was as mean as the meanest boy in school, meaner actually. But my sweet mom.god came in, spanked his little butt and sent him off to his room because he was picking on me so bad.
And she has never forgotten me since, even when I forget to remember her.

I got a call from a friend the other day who's son is in treatment. She asked if I'd be his sponsor. I told her I don't believe in a couple things when it comes to sponsoring and finding a sponsor.
1- I don't believe anybody should ask someone to be your sponsor but you.
2- I don't believe women should sponsor men or men should sponsor women
So I told her that I would be happy to get another (male) member of AA and all of us take him to a meeting when he gets out.

She then called me again asking if I'd just go to a treatment center meeting. I have accepted and looks like I'll be going next week.
See how my mom.god works in my life?

I have only been to 2 meetings since my baby was born. It's hard to want to leave him for a bunch of irritating alcoholics that's I've heard their stories over and over and over and over and over again year after year after year after year (catch my monotony?). Yeah, I thought I'd be "miss AA" at 9+ years sober, yet I find myself irritated if I listen to B or C shair in a meeting one more freaking time!
And I hate it more that I know that the reason I feel that way is because I need more meetings! (Not because meetings don't work for me - but because I need them)

So, in all this thinking (by myself, scary, guess I should call my sponsor, as soon as I get one)
I am going to commit myself to at least one meeting a week. I know it's not much or probably enough, but considering I've been hitting one every 2 months, one a week will be a great start.
Maybe I'll even share in the meeting.
New comers just know more than I do so I feel I have nothing to share.
Really - they do! It's all pink and fresh in their head, they are pounding the big book and excited with sobriety - I just love them and drink up their words as if I were a newcomer myself listening to an old timer. Just makes me sad that when the pink cloud starts to crash, many don't make it.
So I guess that one thing I do have over a newcomer is, through thick and thin, good days and bad days, boyfriends, my almost husband, kids, babies, jobs, friends, PMS, and holidays, through my humility and my ego. I know how to stay sober 3,572 days, so maybe I do have something to offer.

My 10th Sober New Years.

10 years ago on December 31, 1999, I relapsed on Crystal Meth.
It was my last relapse, my last "drunk". It was my grand finally.

Many people think "Why? did you have a really bad hangover the next day?"
heh- if only it were that easy, simple, predictable.

That night when I decided to use again [thinking I had quit before, yeah with repercussions, but I'll just quit again], I crossed that line, the line talked about in the big book.
The drug took away my ability to choose whether or not to use, I became a "real" addict.
I wanted to get sober after that night, I tried to get sober after that night, but I couldn't.
I spend days and days at dark houses, never sleeping, talking about how "tomorrow we'll quit", but tomorrow never came and I stayed high.
2 months and 28 days of trying to get sober, I lost my son, I lost my job, I was losing everything, I couldn't NOT use any longer. I panicked at the thought of driving somewhere because I wouldn't be able to use "as much" as when at a stable ground.
I experienced darkness that such few do, I came to a jumping off place, I couldn't imagine my life with meth or with out meth, I had wished for the end... [and the story goes on...]


And here I sit, 10 New Year's Day's later, and not once in the last 10 New Year's Days have I ever woke up [or any day for that matter] and regretted not using the night before. I have never said "boy I sure wished I would have used last night, this morning just sucks so bad w/o a hangover".

Happy New Year everyone out there who is sober, who wants to be sober, and who'd rather just stay fucked up.