I really thought there was something wrong with me. I even told my family that I could feel chemical changes taking place in my body. I felt a rage that I hadn't felt in such a very long long time. I considered the possibility of Postpartum Depression. I don't believe in depression drugs, but with the way I was feeling, I was about to take anything.
Then... today... I got my first period since I had my baby.
And I am at one with the world again.
Simple yet nasty PMS. I better watch that. Don't want to relapse over a damn period. Or go to jail for domestic violence.
heh - I can be ugly w/o the drugs and alcohol.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Time for Tools
Did I mention I just had a baby?
Yes, I'm 4 months postpartum, but I don't ever like to use "Life Happening" as an excuse to be a bitch. I know better, there are tools to use to clear the negative energy, yet somehow I've failed to use them this last month.
Sponsor? - Nope
Steps? - Nope
Big Book? - Nope
A meeting?? - Nope
Nothing
Just resting on my laurels.
And it's not working out so well for me. Not the last week anyway.
Okay, I need to HALT.
Am I hungry? - STARVING, I'm nursing and finding I have a ravenous appetite. I am eating more than ever and losing weight (can't complain about that).
Angry? - Oh total High Gear Bitch Mode!
Lonely? - Not sure, could be. My husband has more a life than I do. I certainly don't want to complain because I love my baby and LOVE being with him. Whether my husband is there or not, whether the chores are done or not, I just want to be with my baby.
But I really like it when my husband is there too, when he helps me with the little things. (Which he is really good at by the way, I ask, he does)
Tired? - heh, understatement. I'm a new mom, remember? 4 month old baby? Living sometimes on 3 hours sleep, usually only 5, and not because of him (Unless he's sick which this season both my kids, my husband and myself have had our turns being sick) but because I'm exclusively feeding my baby breast milk so I'm often up to pump when baby is sleeping. Baby definitely gets more sleep every night than I do. Everyone does - which leads to many previous HALT issues.
I just got done pumping and need to go get in the shower and get ready for work. More on this later.
Yes, I'm 4 months postpartum, but I don't ever like to use "Life Happening" as an excuse to be a bitch. I know better, there are tools to use to clear the negative energy, yet somehow I've failed to use them this last month.
Sponsor? - Nope
Steps? - Nope
Big Book? - Nope
A meeting?? - Nope
Nothing
Just resting on my laurels.
And it's not working out so well for me. Not the last week anyway.
Okay, I need to HALT.
Am I hungry? - STARVING, I'm nursing and finding I have a ravenous appetite. I am eating more than ever and losing weight (can't complain about that).
Angry? - Oh total High Gear Bitch Mode!
Lonely? - Not sure, could be. My husband has more a life than I do. I certainly don't want to complain because I love my baby and LOVE being with him. Whether my husband is there or not, whether the chores are done or not, I just want to be with my baby.
But I really like it when my husband is there too, when he helps me with the little things. (Which he is really good at by the way, I ask, he does)
Tired? - heh, understatement. I'm a new mom, remember? 4 month old baby? Living sometimes on 3 hours sleep, usually only 5, and not because of him (Unless he's sick which this season both my kids, my husband and myself have had our turns being sick) but because I'm exclusively feeding my baby breast milk so I'm often up to pump when baby is sleeping. Baby definitely gets more sleep every night than I do. Everyone does - which leads to many previous HALT issues.
I just got done pumping and need to go get in the shower and get ready for work. More on this later.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Holidays
It's the holiday season again. My tenth Christmas sober.
It's definitely gotten easier than my first year sober.
I thought my first Christmas was going to be so wonderful, I was clean and happy, I loved life (finally) and I was going to have a magical Christmas.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got around my family, I was triggered beyond anything like I'd experienced in my 9 months of recovery. I couldn't stand to be around my family. I was overwhelmed and scared of myself.
I left my moms house, went to a meeting, laid on the couch in the meeting and just bawled my eyes out.
Second year sober I braced myself for the worst. I has my emergency evacuation route set and planned only staying at my moms for maybe an hour, then spend the rest of the evening at a meeting.
I went to moms house, the evening happened peacefully and the next thing I knew I was driving home from my moms, dark, late, peaceful.
I didn't even realize I didn't use my escape route, I didn't need it.
I can finally hang out with my family and not want to use.
I'm so thankful I didn't give up just because it was hard.
It's definitely gotten easier than my first year sober.
I thought my first Christmas was going to be so wonderful, I was clean and happy, I loved life (finally) and I was going to have a magical Christmas.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got around my family, I was triggered beyond anything like I'd experienced in my 9 months of recovery. I couldn't stand to be around my family. I was overwhelmed and scared of myself.
I left my moms house, went to a meeting, laid on the couch in the meeting and just bawled my eyes out.
Second year sober I braced myself for the worst. I has my emergency evacuation route set and planned only staying at my moms for maybe an hour, then spend the rest of the evening at a meeting.
I went to moms house, the evening happened peacefully and the next thing I knew I was driving home from my moms, dark, late, peaceful.
I didn't even realize I didn't use my escape route, I didn't need it.
I can finally hang out with my family and not want to use.
I'm so thankful I didn't give up just because it was hard.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Ah! I'm finding them =D
All it takes is finding one person, after that, I'm in. One person leads to another and another, next thing I know I've found a world of support. (Yay!)
Lets go make some friends.
Lets go make some friends.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Where are all the support groups?
Sometimes I wonder if the reason there aren't very many support groups for anything anonymous is because everybody keeps relapsing... or just hates commitment.
If youre out there and you come across me, drop me a comment, you can even remain anonymous, I don't care, it's just nice to know I'm not alone.
If youre out there and you come across me, drop me a comment, you can even remain anonymous, I don't care, it's just nice to know I'm not alone.
My Name Is Shawnie
and I am an addict.
It's hard for me to believe I've been clean and sober for over 9 years. But then again, sometimes it's hard for me to believe I was ever an addict.
My story made very short.
I'm not the type of alcoholic/addict where I stand up in a meeting and talk about how I could party with the best of them. I can't glamorize how long I used or how hard I used, or even how I used.
I'm a light weight alcoholic and a really sloppy addict.
I used to "brag" that with 1 beer I was tipsy, 2 beer's I was drunk, 3 beer's and I was shit-faced, and 4 beers I was fuckable. And though that line had many men saying "Let’s go get a six pack and party", my point to that is I didn't ever drink much, EVER. I was a cheap drunk.
I was an anti-drug mom. Hated anyone who did anything more than cigarettes and drink a little, (though I always seemed to attract them).
I hardly ever drank. I smoked a few years and gave that up.
Then got introduced to crank from the aunt of a friend who told me it was “Like No-Doze” crushed up to give me energy. I fell for it and was hooked.
The part of my life where I went from anti-drug mom to checking myself into treatment is less than 3 years.
I am very lucky, I fell so hard so fast and my life became so undeniably unmanageable that I had to admit I was an addict. It was just too obvious.
However to my surprise, addiction is something that stayed with me, it will never leave like I initially thought it would when I first decided to seek help. I thought I would go into a 30 day treatment program, get cured and go back to my life.
Thank Gawd I didn’t know the truth at the time or I probably wouldn’t have gone… maybe…
It’s hard to make that statement, I couldn’t commit to anything at the time, but I hit a place in my disease that there was no more continuing what I was doing. I was done. It was either do something different or die. And honestly at that time, I didn’t care which, both sounded like relief to me. I’m just glad that I didn’t choose the later out of fear of the first.
Back to my point. It’s been over 9 years now, and I realize with each passing year just how much of an addict I really am. Not just to drugs and alcohol, but to everything I like. Food, money, shopping, dieting, men, friends, crafts, hobbies, my kids, hell – maybe even blogging. I do everything in extreme since I became an addict. My husband points my extremeness out to me all the time and I have to stop and reassess what I’m doing and keep myself in check not to go overboard.
After 9 years of sobriety, I still need help as much as the new comer. I need to remember who I am and where I came from. I’m reaching out in a new way to help keep me clean, sober and balanced.
So this is me in a short version. I will talk more about me in future posts.
It's hard for me to believe I've been clean and sober for over 9 years. But then again, sometimes it's hard for me to believe I was ever an addict.
My story made very short.
I'm not the type of alcoholic/addict where I stand up in a meeting and talk about how I could party with the best of them. I can't glamorize how long I used or how hard I used, or even how I used.
I'm a light weight alcoholic and a really sloppy addict.
I used to "brag" that with 1 beer I was tipsy, 2 beer's I was drunk, 3 beer's and I was shit-faced, and 4 beers I was fuckable. And though that line had many men saying "Let’s go get a six pack and party", my point to that is I didn't ever drink much, EVER. I was a cheap drunk.
I was an anti-drug mom. Hated anyone who did anything more than cigarettes and drink a little, (though I always seemed to attract them).
I hardly ever drank. I smoked a few years and gave that up.
Then got introduced to crank from the aunt of a friend who told me it was “Like No-Doze” crushed up to give me energy. I fell for it and was hooked.
The part of my life where I went from anti-drug mom to checking myself into treatment is less than 3 years.
I am very lucky, I fell so hard so fast and my life became so undeniably unmanageable that I had to admit I was an addict. It was just too obvious.
However to my surprise, addiction is something that stayed with me, it will never leave like I initially thought it would when I first decided to seek help. I thought I would go into a 30 day treatment program, get cured and go back to my life.
Thank Gawd I didn’t know the truth at the time or I probably wouldn’t have gone… maybe…
It’s hard to make that statement, I couldn’t commit to anything at the time, but I hit a place in my disease that there was no more continuing what I was doing. I was done. It was either do something different or die. And honestly at that time, I didn’t care which, both sounded like relief to me. I’m just glad that I didn’t choose the later out of fear of the first.
Back to my point. It’s been over 9 years now, and I realize with each passing year just how much of an addict I really am. Not just to drugs and alcohol, but to everything I like. Food, money, shopping, dieting, men, friends, crafts, hobbies, my kids, hell – maybe even blogging. I do everything in extreme since I became an addict. My husband points my extremeness out to me all the time and I have to stop and reassess what I’m doing and keep myself in check not to go overboard.
After 9 years of sobriety, I still need help as much as the new comer. I need to remember who I am and where I came from. I’m reaching out in a new way to help keep me clean, sober and balanced.
So this is me in a short version. I will talk more about me in future posts.
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